So you want to see me after losing almost 100 pounds from my heaviest point?
And again the “before” 10 years ago….(I’m on the right) I weighed 235 at my heaviest point.
I believe in the power of change. I don’t think you have to settle for anything less than God’s best. Let me again tell you that I had a binge eating addiction that consumed most of my life. I struggled with it for over 20 years; and a habit that is in place for that long is not an easy thing to break. But guess what? What I could NOT do on my own, God could! Philippians 4:13 “I can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens me.”
The cycle of any eating disorder is covered in shame and guilt and repeat, repeat, repeat! Webster’s dictionary defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.” Unworthiness, ah ha! For a young girl who turned to food, the feeling of being unworthy completely consumed me. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t pretty enough. And Lord knows I never thought I’d be thin enough!
I remember sitting on my couch after a particular binging episode crying hysterically because no matter how hard I tried to not binge eat I COULD NOT STOP. It was like a force of nature that couldn’t be stopped. I cried to God, I begged Him to release me. And so began the journey to find the source to this problem. I realized in that moment that I needed to find the root to WHY I overate in the first place. Why did I want to stuff my face with food? WHY???
Why do you think that an healthy, normal 8 year old suddenly begins to over eat? There is ALWAYS an underlying issue for any substance abuse. Food was my drug of choice and my numbing agent. I went up and down on the scale from the time I was 8 to 28. It wasn’t until I was pregnant with my son, and had gained 65 pounds in 6 months that I decided to seek help.
God is sovereign. He is good. And He will let you find Him if you search. The Bible actually says He seeks us out! Luke 19:10″ And I, the Son of Man, have come to seek and save those who are lost.” The answers to our problems we seek are given through a journey to truly understanding that He is indeed good and sovereign, leading us into a closer relationship with Him.
My journey began with seeing a nutritionist; I needed the basics in food nutrition education after a decade of eating junk! But the real healing began when God laid in my hands a book called Thin Within by Judy Halliday. It is a Grace approach to weight loss. Working through this book allowed God to show me why as an 8 year old I began to over eat in the first place. God brought to memory that I was molested by a family member starting at the age of 5. It’s weird but I had no memory of this up until this point. I was sitting there answering the questions and all of the sudden I felt like I ran into a brick wall because all the memories came back. And it made so much sense to why I was the way I was. And I cried and cried and felt an intense amount of relief that finally, I had a gotten somewhere.
Through out my childhood I remember having a deep-rooted anger, a chip on my shoulder. I was a mouthy, disrespectful kid to the point where adults often commented on it. Signs of abuse are pretty clear to me as I look back. As a child, I hated to be touched in any manor. No hugs, no kisses, no physical affection from anyone. Another thing is that I could not sleep in the same bed as anyone because they would say I would kick them as hard as I could in the middle of the night (the molestation often took place in a bed.) As a newly wed, when my husband tried to hold me as we fell a sleep I would have a full blown panic attack and literally kick him away from me. And the last sign was that I never wanted to be left alone with a man, ever.
Now that I had the reason to why I over ate, I had to undo the damage. Well, really I had to ask God to undo the damage. With my new found knowledge on health and nutrition, along with the useful tools in Thin Within, I asked God to show me the lies I was believing from my past devastation in being molested. There were so many. But slowly the lies that I was unloved, unworthy, and completely alone began to fade away. In their place is God’s Truth. “Fear not, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10) For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) And my favorite one “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalms 147:3)
Through the mercy and grace that God did for me on the cross, I no longer am held in bondage to uncontrollable over-eating episodes. He spoke directly into my heart and covered it with His love. Now 90 pounds lighter than my heaviest point, I am free to make wise food choices and cling to the God that lovingly saved me. This was a process, a journey that I am still on today. Currently I weigh 141 pounds and I am a size 6. I believe that food will always be a safe haven of comfort when life brings too many curve balls. And God is my coach telling me when to swing, when to not, and when to simply put the bat down (or in my case put down the brownie.)